Now I am a big fan of Crocodilians and also of wine. Quids in! Or so I thought….

Alligator Wine are a duo from the Black Forest with not a stringed instrument between them. Drums, synths, organs, percussion. No guitar or bass to be seen. Thomas Teufel and Rob Vittaca shun such things.

So what do these scaley types sound like? Well they sound a lot like an end of the pier act playing the intros of Carved In Sand era Mission tracks and Bono demo’s in a Raw Sex style.

I am not entirely sure that Rowland Rivron is not involved.

The beginning of “Ten Million Slaves” must be heard to be believed. You can almost imagine old Vox forcing this track onto an Apple device while he pleads with you to not hurt the rainforest from his tax haven. I was nearly sick in my mouth.

For 10 seconds at the beginning of the first track “Shotgun” I thought it was going to be palatable – yes it was very Mission but, hey I’m an old Goth so that is cool. It then erupts into a raucous vaudevillian rhythm but then goes all Butlins summer show. Ugh! Check out Urban Voodoo Machine if you wanna hear this kind of stuff done well.

Crocodile Inn is truly awful. Insipid nonsense that would make Susannah Reid on Good Morning Britain appear sincere.  This makes Del Amitri sound like Guns N Roses.

The accompanying promo info promises a psychedelic journey into a dark yet groovy space. Hmm.  The Flying Carousel is a Hammond fuelled clown show – “one foot in the disco , one foot in the rave? “No please no.  Clown Shoes!

I tried to make it through the rest of the album but it hurt my soul. Being in Lockdown is bad enough.

No hard feelings guys. Wayne Hussey got over his issues in the early 90’s. Why must you attempt to trigger him?

Just because you can doesn’t mean you should.

(1/10 Matt Mason)