Once upon a time Teutonia was a place unmatched when it came to dashing out punishing evil thrash. Bands like Sodom, Kreator, Poison, Destruction, Assassin and Minotaur acted as the spark for a revolution is extreme music. Another one of these bands were alcoholic thrashers Tankard, whose ‘The Morning After’ belongs to one of the genre-defining albums of the era.

The new album of these alcoholic madmen (out of whom many are rumoured to have given up the booze) is a whole different story. To be fair, it is also an entirely different time altogether … the wall has fallen, all hail the wall. The material on ‘A Girl Called Cerveza’ is more reminiscent of modern, commercial and accessible heavy metal than old school thrash. Yes, the riffs are still thrashing, but the production on here, makes the record sound tame and lacking in impact. Even 2006’s ‘The Beauty and the Beer’ still had a rougher edge to it – whilst this has absolutely none at all. It is an album made to please metal fans that aren’t really into metal at all, but rather the ‘idea’ of it all. After all, it is fashionable in this day and age to be/act a metal head (just see the Slayer design by Topshop, ffs!); it’s about companionship rather than the tunes.

The song-writing is another absolutely painful aspect of this record. Similarly to the new Tank album, War Nation, choruses/pre-choruses make up around 50% of songs. The main problem with this is, that whilst the album’s accessible at first listen, it is awfully boring at first listen also. Every song becomes agonizing and predictable before just around half way, and I find myself in awe why no one said anything? Maybe it’s a ‘thing’ in today’s metal? Old bands writing incredibly simple albums, with a clean sound and catchy humorous words, to gain a new following? I guess it’s fair and square … they’re men in their middle-ages after all… the fire has surely burnt out long time ago, so cashing in seems reasonable. And I guess ‘selling your soul to mulah’ ain’t all that big a deal anymore either.

Anyways, we got a moderately fun, incredibly repetitive album. Unlistenable to someone who listens to metal every day… but to a Lady Gaga, Zakk Wylde or a Twilight 24: Brown Planet fan this might just be a useful first step into the world of false metal. Seriously, just pick up ‘Persecution Mania’ bySodomand get it over with

(3.5/10 Miika Virtanen)